Something Icky This Way Comes...

So today I was trying to hunt down a recipe and ran across a little metal recipe box I'd given my mom years ago that has now made it's way back to me. Today was the first time I'd looked through it...and man, mom had some weird shit in there!

Thank heaven she loved us, as I can honestly say I have NEVER tasted any of these recipes. And once I post them here, they will be burned at midnight at the new moon, the ashes buried with 18 cloves of garlic, a vial of holy water and the earth salted so that nothing ever grows there again. I may rig up some kind of black sarcaphogus to bury them in, actually...

Join me as we dive headlong into the 1970's...that ugly time of Jello, mayonnaise, Bisquick and tuna. Frequently mixed together.

Buckle up, kids...this Pandora's Lunchbox was FULL of recipes so I'm gonna space this out over three posts.

The little recipe box was put out by the Bisquick folks, so naturally it was top-heavy with every Bisquick recipe under the sun and then some. And food styling was...um...to be kind, in it's infancy. So yeah, the pictures are genuinely nauseating and what's worse, are I'm sure an honest depiction of the end product of the recipe.

Like Italian Casserole!
Seems fairly harmless, just one of those 'Meh, dump everything in a big dish, lump some wads of Bisquick on it and you're good to go' things...until you come to the screeching halt that is...a layer of American cheese slices.

Which does not belong?

Not to be outdone is Italian Chili with Dumplings!
YES, I said 'Italian Chili'. This mess looks suspiciously like someone just grabbed some ingredients out of the pantry while blackout drunk and threw it in a pan...but it's not the worst offender in that area today, believe me.

With the requisite Bisquick wads, of course. Notice that nowhere in this recipe is chili used or mentioned other than the nonsensical title.

Not To Be Outdone 2, The Sickening : Block Party Beans!
Now we're talkin'! There's that pantry dump to use up those cans of weird shit that have been lurking back there since time itself began. It's like a scavenger hunt of every canned legume known to man. I give it an 8 out of 10, two points deducted for forgetting the Jelly Bean/Coffee Bean garnish.

That'll teach Karen from down the street to leave you off the Block Party Planning Committee ever again, that bitch...

Apricot Prune Upside Down Cake!
Surprised, aren't you? Didn't know that cake could be depressing and sad, did you? Dried apricots. Dried prunes. Lurking Bisquick. It's like some dusty, weirdo survival food that even the Donner Party would reject.

I'm sure the reason for leaving the pan over the cake for a few minutes is so your children don't burst into tears of despair when you announce you've made a cake...and they are then greeted with this slimey mess.
Note: as with the chili-less Italian 'chili', there is no cake in this 'cake'.

But what, I ask you, WHAT are the 1970's without a Jello mold or two? Or twenty?
Molded Vegetable Relish, the perfect alternative to that unholy apricot-prune thing that made your children need 16 years of therapy. Just when lime Jello seems like an acceptable alternative to dried fruit and Bisquick wads, fill that sucker to the brim with chopped vegatables, every child's favorite! No eating around them, kids!

Because who doesn't love 'em some lime Jello paired with green peppers? Both green, right? OK, we're good. Just make sure you make this abomination in a bicycle helmet, as shown.

Barf in a bike helmet not your thing? Well you're in luck, 'cause we've also got Molded Chef's Salad!*
Retch along with me as we explore the wonders of Lemon Jello, vinegar, strips of cheese, HAM (I shit you not), onions and more of that goddamned ever-present green pepper.
The best part about this picture is the Glaive-like shape of the finished product. Who knew they had Jello on Krull?

*Few actual Chef's Salad ingredients, sorry.

But wait, don't decide until you've seen Frozen Fruit Salad!
IT'S SCREAMING AT ME. I'm...I'm not the only one who sees a happy, screaming face in there, am I...? Good. *whew*  Also, this thing is the color of Spam.

 Fun game: cover the lettuce up, show this pic to friends and ask them: Jello mold or fancy artisan soap bar?

Last but not least in the land of Jello...
Creamy Fruit Salad! 
Apricot Jello + mayonaise = Flesh fruit salad. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL

 I *did* warn you about the mayonaise thing. Willing to bet that the flesh tones of this biopsy-on-a-plate singlehandedly meant the death of apricot-flavored Jello.

Not your thing, either? How about Jolly Gelatin Gem Cake?

Oh...haha...did we say 'cake? Silly us, again; no actual 'cake is present, sorry. Closest you're gonna get is a soggy layer of graham cracker crumbs entombed in an acre of butter.

Well, if you can't have cake, how about some Parmesan Wine bread?
No, it's not just you, that shit straight-up looks like particle board. Or 15 grit sandpaper. Use any leftovers to refinish your outdoor deck. Just reading the recipe makes me feel like I've got a lump of that dry shit clogging my gullet. Dry, dry, dry.

Even the saucy promise of a bit of naughtiness with the wine is cruelly yanked away with the suggestion to use apple juice instead. Why not complete the trifecta of dry, dour and depressing and just use vinegar? The Jello folks certainly didn't shy away from vinegar when push came to shove, buddy.
Bisquuuiick...

Never fear, there are other breads!
No. It is. It is SO bread, it says it's bread. Sesame Cheese Casserole Bread! Although no way is that a mere 3 tablespoons of sesame seeds crusted onto that doorstop. Maybe it's Halloween and it's just cosplaying a curling stone that has escaped from Canada...?

 I'll bet I could use this sucker to scour that stubborn algae out my birdbath...

Next up: we dig deeper and enter into a horrible, inhuman combination.


*Bisquick*