Something Icky This Way Comes 3: Butterscotch Zucchini Seal Burp Balls

Finally getting to the back of this wretched recipe box...

I was amused to find a bunch of recipes that used zucchini, all dating from the time when my dad decided we were going to put in a big raised-bed garden.
When I was a kid my dad was huge into fruit and vegetable gardening, we also raised rabbits, turkeys and chickens for meat and eggs (and a few as pets). Our family did the self-sustaining urban farming thing long before it was hip.
We did all our own growing, harvesting and canning, ditto for processing animals for table.
My dad, being thrifty, would get enormous packets of zucchini seeds. And not being wasteful, he couldn't stand to only plant what we needed and toss the rest.

So he'd plant ALL the seeds.

And anyone who's grown zucchini knows what a damned weed it is. Pretty shortly you've got so much zucchini that you consider building another room onto the house just for squash storage. To make things even more fun, it all comes ripe in the same few short weeks.
The kicker in our area was that all of the other people in our town grew zucchini as well. And my dad, being thrifty...well, he couldn't bear to throw away all that thrice-damned zucchini.
We all liked zucchini...but criminy.
So here are a few of the zucchini recipes my mom had gleefully hoarded, no doubt prized for the sheer volume of squash they used up.

Spicy Zucchini Wheat Bread. Hmmm...OK. Looks alright but has a high, fussy PITA value as it's labor intensive; the entire back of the recipe card was heavily notated. And only uses 1 1/2 cups of the damned squash.

Zucchini Pancakes..ooh..these use a respectable 2 cups of squash and could be nice for breakfast with some butter and syrup--wait, what? Salt, pepper and catsup?!

Greek Zucchini and Macaroni...ulp. Better, uses 3 cups of the stuff. But some of these ingredients in the 70's in our small town may as well have been on the moon.

NOW we're talkin'! Each of these bad boys uses 4 CUPS of the demon squash. Although how in the Hell zucchini and horseradish are considered Dutch Relish I have NO idea. The Zucchini Olive Salad is just a giant bowl of diced squash with a tiny amount of dressing mixed into it, this 'recipe' clearly is saying, "Just shut up and shovel this stuff down your neck already, we're drowning in zucchini, here!"

But getting back to the weirdo recipes still lurking in this tin box...

Not To Be Outdone stage 3...Tupperware parties were where it was at in the 70's. When my mom had hers, the Tupperware rep passed out 'recipes' that hinged on using your new Tupperware (pretty sharp for back then, huh?).
But when I first ran across these odd little slips of orange paper, it took me a minute to figure out the strange notations.

Seal? Burp? Shake into little balls?! Has Bettie been into the sandpaper bread wine?!

Seal, wink and shake sounds like a series of country line dance moves. Now, everybody grapevine!
And oh yeah, using 7Up in everything was quite the thing for a while, too. It was a very odd, embarassing time to be alive.

On the subject of desserts, how about some Spicy Ice Cream Pie? Applesauce cake mix and maple nut ice cream. Then frost that mess. Another fussy, demanding, PITA recipe that orders you around. Up yours, weird piecake!

Again, I sense that this recipe singlehandedly tanked both applesauce cake mix AND maple nut ice cream.

Moving on to Peanut Butter Fruit Squares! A lovely desert that...uh...wait, what the Hell IS this glop?
One bite and all your teeth would fall out, I swear.

Ribbon Fantasy Fudge..which sounds like it's giving the recipe above some serious competition when it comes to speed-rotting your teeth. And secret ingredient, my eye--I think that marshmallow creme was invented strictly for it's ability to freak out the person who's eating anything made with it, so that they cough, choke and gasp, "I ate WHAT?!"

This is all too modern. We should get back to basics.
Like Steamed Pudding, right? Right...?
I admit, it's hard to find the ground suet department in the grocery store. And you wouldn't think something old-fashioned, when women's time was at a premium and they were usually cooking dinner, nursing a baby, churning butter and repairing the roof all at the same time, would end up being yet another fussy, demanding, pay attention to meeeee kinda recipe, yet there this one is.

On the plus side, it includes a recipe for Hard Sauce...
Wait--NO IT DAMNED WELL DOESN'T. I see NO booze there what so freakin' ever.

Sigh...
Where's that sandpaper bread wine...

Y'know, eventually ya just say the Hell with it and make things like Butter Sticks.

Ahhh...my old nemesis, Bisquick. Just me, thee, a stick of butter and some cold water. A meal in itself.

I think for dessert I'll make a Butterscotch Yule Log.

But why bother with cutting it into slices when you can just peel back that waxed paper, plonk down in front of the TV and gnaw on that bad boy?

Pass the sandpaper wine, would ya?