Not Today, Satan

Me: OK, so I have to reformat this 500+ page book for the publisher...

Word: OK I’LL ONLY PRETEND TO MAKE CHANGES THO

Me: What? No. I changed the ‘Normal’ template! Just DO it!

Word:  SORRY NOT GONNA HOLD YER CHANGES. SUCKS TO BE YOU LOL

Me: Why?! I did everything I was supposed to, I’ve checked it 5 times now! I even changed the off-the-beaten-track weirdo ‘extra’ places Microsoft throws in just to get a laugh. JUST KEEP THE CHANGES.

Word: AHAHA NO. GO QUESTWANDER THE INTERNET FOR AN HOUR GROVELING FOR HELP WHILE YOUR BRAIN TURNS TO OATMEAL

Me: *an hour later* OK, everyone says I have to dig into MSWord’s guts and make scary irreversible changes...WHAT?! You STILL won’t, you pig?!

Word: WELCOME TO MICROSOFT HELL. TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL MAKE SOME OF THE CHANGES BUT I’M GONNA MAKE YOU GO THROUGH THIS 500+ PAGE MANUSCRIPT AND CHECK  EVERY PARAGRAPH TO MAKE SURE THE FORMATTING TOOK. AND I’LL ALSO SWITCH BACK AND FORTH  FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON SO STAY FROSTY FOR THE NEXT 12 HOURS WITH THOSE BLOODSHOT EYES OF YOURS WHILE YOU TRY TO MAINTAIN YOUR SANITY

Me: X*$#!@ 

Word: *holds up other shoe preparing to drop it*

Me: WHAT?! Why are you now randomly changing periods to commas?! And what’s with the random double spaces and ignoring paragraph breaks you unholy monster?! Right hand to God, I’ll pry open this computer case and FIND YOU.

Word: *throws in extra lines of text, leaves others OUT wholesale* OH LOOK HERE COMES A THUNDERSTORM TIME FOR ME TO LOSE POWER AND EAT 2/3 OF THIS BAD BOY. LOL YOU WANTED TO REWRITE THIS BITCH FROM SCRATCH, RIGHT?

Me: Yeah, well up yours Word, I have the original backed up AND I’m working with a copy so my original is SAFE. You can’t break me!

Word: *evil chuckle* ISN’T THE SEQUEL YOU WROTE TO THIS ONE TWICE AS LONG...? YEAH, BABY...THERE IT IS...I LOVE THE TEARS OF A WRITER...

WAIT...WHAT’S THAT CAN OPENER FOR?!