DIE, School!

So the kid's binder broke in class the other day, and her teacher was kind enough to lend her a used one until she could get home for us to replace it--like most parents, I think, we have a mini office supply store here at home.

When I first saw the lender binder, I thought, 'Oh, how cute.  Little purple hearts!'

Then I looked closer...

...to see that some enterprising soul had carved the words, 'DIE SCHOOL' into the cover.  CARVED.  That's some seriously deep convictions of your personal beliefs, right there.

I love this thing.

Now that I've switched out her stuff to the new binder I'll have to return it to the teacher with some kind of appropriately smart-ass note, though.  This is just too good to pass up.

Ahh, high school.

Fun With Cuniform!

In school right now she is studying ancient Mesopotamia & Sumer, so tonight the kid had a fun homework assignment: Write her name in cuniform on a sheet of paper, and the kids were told they could stain, mutilate and otherwise abuse the paper to 'age' it.

So she and I talked about how worn paper gets it's look, and I had an old envelope I'd been using for scratch paper on my desk anyway--written on in several colors, folded messily, worn, torn & stained, etc. So she did the same to her paper--folded & refolded it, dogeared the edges & tore the folded creases a bit--she really had fun crumpling it up and defacing a homework assignment for a change.

So after she wrote her name in ink, we soaked the paper in vinegar (makes the paper crisp up in the oven) & a bit of soy sauce, then rubbed it down with a wet teabag leaving clumps of loose tea here and there for nice dark spots. Then she stained it with red food color in spots, spotted it with ketchup for darker stains and after coating the bottom of a coffee cup with more soy sauce, left it resting on the paper to simulate a good ol' fashioned coffee cup ring. After leaving the entire mess to sit for about 20 minutes, we blotted it dry with paper towels and baked it in the oven at 200 degrees for about 6 minutes, which dried it out nicely--and it didn't stick to the cookie sheet, thank God.

After it cooled, I used a BBQ lighter to scorch the edges of the paper, which turned out to be a cool trick to brown & curl the paper. It DID catch fire once, but she was dying for a burned corner anyway so she loved it.

It came out looking pretty good. I think the best part was the extra 'note' we wrote in the upper right hand corner in cuniform...

...it said, 'Call Your Mummy'.

Seventy-Three Dollars Later...

So last night the kid finally brings home the school supply list from her 6th grade teacher. This is after, mind you, the special 6th grade orientation we went to the day before school started LAST week, and a week after school has started. This morning, after dropping the kid at school, off I go to buy the school supplies.

Needless to say, Office Depot looked as if the 7 year locusts had been through, the shelves were cleaned of nearly everything. They had 'out of stock' stickers everywhere. The employees just shrugged, laughed it off and said, 'Maybe next week we'll get more in stock.' Haha, how amusing for parents! Thanks guys, way to be prepared. I'd think, in this economy where businesses are struggling for their share of the customer pie, it'd behoove you to stock the freakin' shelves. I saw two other parents I knew from the school, also doing their shopping with similar bemused/angry/frustrated expressions, and they both stopped to chat about how they couldn't find everything. Pretty basic stuff too--binder dividers aren't exactly exotic items.

But anyway, here is what $73.00 in school supplies looks like. Not pictured are the package of glue sticks, Kleenex and Lysol wipes that the school requires.

Pens. Pens were ridiculously expensive for the little bits of cheap plastic and ink that they are. And you had to get JUST the right ones, too. Non-erasable (OK, that makes sense, cheatin' lil' buggers), a certain number in one color, and another in a different color, ball-point only (no gel, cartridge or markers).

It was like a scavenger hunt, minus the 'fun'.

The kid also had to sign an unbelievable number of 'classroom/school rules' agreement forms (we parents, too), wherein she promised never to put a toe out of line or muss the school grounds in any way. I could understand the one in the student handbook that covered ALL the rules, but the three others from two seperate teachers we got this week were a bit of overkill. She also had to sign a form for her textbooks, her locker lock, her PE clothes, one about bullying, another for permission to be photographed for the school website, one for electronic devices (school computers) and one about Internet useage while NOT at school when it regards schoolmates (Facebook bullying, I assume).

I agree that signing a form agreeing to follow the rules likely makes an impression and helps keep kids in line, but you can only shove so many pieces of paper under a 10 year old's nose for signing before it becomes meaningless.

Now to mark everything with her name to try and prevent loss/theft. She has already managed to lose the $5.00 school agenda thingy after only three days of school, it's gotta be some kind of record. Sheesh.

Seven Days And Counting...

...till the kid finishes fifth grade and leaves elementary school.

It's going to be a whirlwind of picnics, waterballoon fights, choir concerts, fireworks sales, yearbooks, awards ceremonies, softball games and sock hops.

My grade school days were never like this.

I'm really glad that school these days are really making the effort to provide more than just dry, rote education. The teachers at her school work so hard, and put in gobs of extra hours and effort that I'm sure they never see pay for, just to show the kids a good time and make sure they have not just good memories of grade school, but awesome ones. I couldn't tell you anything about my own grade school end-of-year days, other than we were all sweltering in classrooms without air conditioning, bored, restless and counting down the days left till summer started.

I'm going to make a point of remembering the crossing guard and get her something, plus a card. She's johhny-on-the-spot with not only seeing the kids across a VERY dangerous main street, but intelligent in timing the traffic flow so that no one has to get held up and wait too long--she's pushed that button for my car so I could get out hundreds of times. She's awesome.

An Experiment

I got one of those upside-down tomato planters last year, so I finally hung it up over the weekend, along with another I picked up for strawberries.

The tomato planter has two varieties in it, 'Early Girl' and 'Better Boy', one of each. The strawberry has 15 plants, about half a 'Seascape' and the rest 'Chandler'. It'll be interesting to see if they work. They went on the front porch rather than the back yard, because I didn't want to create a veritible chicken pinata with the things. If there is food, chickens WILL find a way to get to it.

Also, recently I was at my daughter's elementary school and discovered the school piano, which is one of the most no-nonsense, battle-scarred things I've seen in a LONG time.

Damned thing's built like a truck. Big chunks of the finish have literally been peeled away, and yellow duct tape applied. I think the padlock over the keyboard is my favorite part!

Oh, THIS Should Be Fun...

The kid brought home another school project to work on, this time it's on the American Revolution. She drew James Madison--she has to do both a written, and memorized oral report.

They get bonus points for costumes. The more imaginative, the better.

Ohhhhh.......

School

This gets funnier when I imagine that it is how my daughter's 5th grade teacher spends his day, trying to get the students to answer his questions:

YOU! LOOK AT ME!


My kid's teacher would actually leap at the chance to dress up like this and teach. It would probably work, too!



The next is my daughter's math book--
Remember that this school textbook was written by someone(s), reviewed and approved by MORE someones, and finally is today being used in the classroom.

I kept looking at this, re-reading it, thinking it MUST be some kind of 'New Math' change in terminology, a trick question, ANYTHING other than a basic Geometery FAIL. But no, they are calling a cube a rectangular prism. My fingers itch to correct things like this in books, but that feeling is overpowered by my basic tenant not to write in books.

Even funnier because it bears the heading 'Do You Know HOW?' like it's a plea for help, because THEY obviously DON'T.

Is That A Chicken In Your Pocket, Or...

The people doing the Spring pictures at school today have made a fatal mistake: they said that the kids may pose with a 'prop' if they want to. Specifically the paperwork chirped cheerfully, 'Bring your own props!'

Oh, dear. Unfortunately for them, they do not make any exclusions.

My Inner Smart Ass ran rampant. Hmmm...what'll it be...bloodstained ax? Voodoo or Satanic-looking paraphenalia? The mind boggled.

Also: they did not rule out 'alive'.

So hey, live chicken it is! Now...which one?

Smuggling a live chicken into an elementary school without causing a complete uproar and generalized chaos is problematic at best.  Even as an adult I have no desire to be sent to the principal's office.  So that ruled the larger, more rambunctios girls and roos out.

Millie the bantam Belgian d'Uccle hen, however, is perfect.

Plus she fits nicely into a tote bag.

They were bringing the kids in by classrooms.  Most of the 'props' the kids brought were things like basketballs, etc.

Strangely enough, no one else had a live chicken.  Dammit, my kid did!

Everyone loved Millie, who behaved herself beautifully.  One of the kid's friends wanted to jump in this shot, too.

After the kids had a chance to visit with Millie I split, not wanted to piss off the photographers and screw up their schedule.

Mission accomplished!

Blargh...

Pulled heavy duty mom detail all weekend and today, helping the kid finish her 5th grade Science Fair project (predicting the colors of baby chicks prior to hatch based on the color of the parents and the theory of Color Dominance, she and her partner got 90% of them correct!) AND the litte shoebox 'float' for her 5th grade 'State' project--she got Iowa.

While I found plenty of funny stuff online dissing Iowa ('Hey, at least we aren't Idaho!') there really isn't too terribly much that goes on there...other than cows, pigs & corn, that is.

But now I've got Iowa trivial stuck in my head, and it won't get OUT.

On the plus side, Spring Break for her starts FRIDAY.

Mission San Diego de Alcala--The Lego Version!

So here is N.'s big California mission project, which she decided to build entirely of LEGOs.

The front and one side. The pigs have gotten into the garden, again!

The back & side, showing the courtyard...

Close up of the courtyard...

This was a fun project--with the added bonus of being able to take it apart and have LEGOs to play with afterward.

Originally she wanted to place dinosaurs, robots and skeletons amongst the peaceful mission folk and their animals. But I told her that for school it has to be authentic--but once we bring it home, she can engage in all the dino-robo-skeletor epic mission-demolishing battles she wants.

The Fourth Grade California Mission Project!

...is to be Mission San Diego de Alcala, made from Legos!

Since we don't have enough white ones, we need to make a trip to the Lego store at Downtown Disney in Anaheim for supplies.

We still need to build the bell tower, the buttresses and the front facade, then it'll be done!

Aww, How Sweet!

Heh, I think one of the teachers at school is feeling a little cynical this year...

You Can Laugh AND Cry!

N.'s elementary school is holding their annual father-child breakfast. Here's what the invitation looks like:

I don't know who proofread the thing, but I plan on taking it into the school Monday and giving the principal some good natured teasing about it...

Smart Assery In Action

The other day, N.'s elementary school sent home as part of their Wednesday weekly newsletter a notice that on Friday of THAT week they were having a 'I'm Going To College!' theme day, and asked that the kids wear their favorite college T shirt to school.

Well, what I DON'T happen to have lying around is a college T shirt in a childs' size.

Seriously, 24 hours notice?!

Because by the time I get the newsletter Wednesday evening, it only gives me 24 hours to get a shirt by Thursday evening to have ready at 7AM the next morning. It brought to mind the old game show, 'Let's Make A Deal' where Monty Hall went through the audience asking them to produce from their purses and wallets various weird things. "I'll give you $500.00 for 6 ping pong balls, but they all have to be plaid!"

Hey, THANKS school!

So in protest, I asked my fellow goons over at SomethingAwful.com to help come up with a T shirt design that I could print out on an iron-on and make my own T-shirt. I came up with: "California College Of Beauty, Auto Repair And Hair--Where Failure IS An Option!"

Some of the contributions were, 'Education Hut', 'Steve's College Of Stuff' and 'University Of Phoenix--Click Here To Graduate' among many others. The goons had great ideas. The winning design was suggested by one member, another created the design, so I got them both forum upgrades. I was able to get the T shirt done in time for her to wear on Friday, here it is...

That famous Ivy League school, 'Harrrvard'!

I love how he incorporated the Harvard shield logo. Hard to get a picture without tons of glare. I asked her what the deal with the finger was and she said, "It's my pirate hook!"

A better shot of the design, with less glare:

Although J. and I got a good laugh out of the whole 'Harrrvard' thing (colleges being modern-day pirates who rape and pillage your bank account), sadly, not one person at school got the joke. But the other kids DID like the skull and crossbones.

Thanks goons, you're the best!

My Daughter, The Weed

Well, as every parent with school age kids knows, you have to pounce on next year's school uniforms NOW. Because by the end of July, they are gone. Finished. And none of the stupid stores will reorder. Apparantly, kids never outgrow or ruin uniforms midyear, and so never have to replace any. Ha.

Today I loaded up on N.'s first big uniform haul in three years. She enters third grade in September, and so far she's been getting along fine with her uniforms that we got in Kindergarten. Then, even with getting the smallest size, they were miles too big for her and I had to take them in & shorten them--still a bit baggy, but acceptable. In first grade the altered clothes fit, hurrah! Other than having to replace the white shirts I had foolishly bought before Kindergarten (where they only use the finest black and blue paints with the darkest pigments). Last year, second grade...at the end of the first grade school year I had her try everything on, inspected them for rips, etc. All well and good, everything fit. Cool! Uniforms were pressed and hung in the closet to await the start of second grade. I congratulate myself for escaping uniform shopping.

Less than three months later, about a week before school started, I have a horrible creeping feeling and had her try them on again...because, my GOD, she'd outgrown everything else she was wearing by leaps and bounds, mostly shoes.

Yikes, the uniform pants fit at the waist but are laughably SHORT. The jumper dresses are a total loss, immodestly short and nothing to let out. I remove her name tags and donate them to the school, as they are still in great condition (as is the way of ALL clothes that are outgrown, while your stuff that fits ends up wearing out before it's time). The culotts are OK, thank God. The shirts are a teeny bit short when she raises her arms. Child is instructed not to raise her arms for entirety of the school year. The long pants fit fine at the waist, but are way short--but huzzah--I'd taken them up in Kindergarten, so NOW I can let them out to their normal length. I do so, smugly. Ha HA, take THAT, hated uniform shopping!

Until I have her try them on. Mother Macree, they are STILL too short! The kid has simply miles of leg. Break out the steam iron and re-hem pants again, leaving only a tiny hem and torturing the pant cuffs mercilessly with the iron until the old cuff mostly disappears. Not great, but acceptable. She doesn't look like a dork, at least.

So I knew I was in for a major uniform expedition this year.

Shirts are purchased a wee bit big, as the ones in her perfect size across the shoulder are too short. Also I get dark blue except for one light blue shirt. Last years' long pants I am shortening to Bermuda short length, as they still fit fine in the waist. More long pants, again a bit big in the waist in order to be long enough in the leg. I do find some stretchy culotts that fit perfectly, and a few pairs of new uniform shorts. The dresses and skirts they offer this year are irredeemably, aggressively ugly, so I skip those in hopes of finding some that don't look so institutional elsewhere.

I find one pair of sneakers that fit...for now. I KNOW they won't by the time school starts, but she's run her current pair into the ground. The next size up is miles too big, so we'll have to wait until the end of August to go on a shoe hunt. I do manage to grab some bulk packs of socks & undies.

I feel like a chipmunk hoarding for winter, or a post-apocalyptic survivor grabbing anything I can. Criminy.

Except I still have to get her a new backpack...

But...We Really NEED Your Help!

I knew it would happen.

Less than a week since the school told me I couldn't read for the Book Fair/Reading event, and the principal has hit me up TWICE to volunteer--once for the Book Fair (but not to read) and again this morning, trying to get myself and J. to serve on the PTA. I told her 'No' both times.

Last week she had gone up and down the line of parents waiting to pick up kids, armed with a clipboard, asking for volunteers for the book fair that night...and being, as always, rejected by parent after parent. She finally got to me and asked me if I could volunteer and I told her 'no'. Afterwards, two of the other moms laughingly called over, "Hey Velvet, I bet she got you to help out, huh?" I walked over to them and told them I hadn't, and why. I wanted to see what their reaction would be, to see if maybe I was overreacting to the whole thing. But they were amazed and digusted, and agreed that that was a rotten thing to do and if it happened to them, they would have the same reaction. Hmmm.

So this morning the principal cornered me in the office after I went in to pay for N.'s yearbook. She had her little clipboard out and a big grin, and said, "So, Velvet--can I count on you to help out and maybe serve on the PTA?" like she was offering me some kind of rare and special treat. I stared at her a moment and then burst out laughing (I couldn't help it) and shook my head 'no', which made her smile crumble in one big hurry. She said hastily, "But you can have your pick of projects! You tell me--what would you like to do?" OK, I thought. "Read tonight." I shot back.

"Oh no! That's just for staff!"

I just tossed my hands in the air, laughed and shook my head again and went for the door, but she stopped me. "It's a staff thing!"

"Well, then I should have been told that months ago when I asked if I could participate, NOT just a few days before the event when I had everything set up and was looking forward to it." I told her. She stammered the same thing again, so I just waved goodbye in disgust and left.

Up to now I thought that maybe the principal, who had previously welcomed, appreciated and been very happy about my offer to participate in the reading event, perhaps didn't know that I had been unceremoniously kicked to the curb, but it seems she did and is OK with it.

So much for volunteerism. I'm soured on it for good.

We Desperately Need Your Help! But Not Really...

My daughter's elementary school saddens me.

During the year, they have various events such as field trips, science fairs, student art shows, etc. The school is forever clamoring and whining in their weekly newsletter for more parent help and participation. The school secretary and principal are very vocal in person about this as well, and VERY few people step forward--maybe 3-4 parents in the entire school.

Well, I'm a stay-at-home mom because of my various chronic injury problems, so I offer to help the school however and wherever I can. I've volunteered as a Kindergarten helper, gone on field trips, taken yearbook photos, done things around the school, all with no problems.

The school has an event every year at this time to promote reading, where they invite kids and parents to come out for an evening of books read aloud and a take away dinner (hot dogs, tacos, etc.) to eat picnic style on the grass. We loved it when we went when N. was in Kindergarten two years ago, and I volunteered to be a reader last year. Unfortunately I contracted pneumonia and was unable to do it, which really crushed me. I love reading with a passion, and J. and I have read to N. every day since she was born. As a result, she loves reading as well, and is well beyond her grade level in reading and comprehension. This year, the event is next Friday, and back at the beginning of this year I once again volunteered. Both the principal and the school secretary were appreciative and very eager for help, they said, "Sure! The more the merrier, fantastic!". So I got the green light months ago and I was all excited about it--books ready to go and no goddamn pneumonia this time. I had popped into the office a few times over the year to remind the secretary that I was still interested in it. I checked in again with her two weeks ago so I wouldn't forget the date. Book nerd that I am, I've literally been waiting all year for this.

The school secretary just called me to let me know I couldn't join in.

Apparantly, one of the teachers who is in charge, got upset and feels that it should be a 'teachers only' event. That was the only explanation given and I got the distinct impression that there was more going on under the surface, if you know what I mean. It's almost like she wanted to keep all her toys and not share. I think this particular teacher may have some control issues as well...

I feel like I've been dis-invited to a party. Why in God's name would you tell someone for months that your participation would be wonderful, and then with a week to go tell them not to come? Sad that the school constantly clamors for more money and parent participation, then at the last minute, spits in the eye of one of the few people who consistently volunteer.

Well...Hell, here are the books I was going to read:

Edward The Emu by Sheena Knowles
Edwina The Emu by Sheena Knowles
Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus! by Mo Willems
Cook A Doodle Do by Janet Stevens
The Story Of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf
Pinduli by Janell Canon
Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin
Raoul The Owl by Louis Untermeyer

I had a little audience participation thing for the kids all planned and everything. I so would have loved to share these wonderful books.

Spider Twinkie!

One of the best parts of having kids is getting to mess with them.

Every so often, after she has gone to bed for the night, we will take a few of N.'s toys out onto the living room floor and stage elaborate dinosaur tea parties, stuffed animals coloring with crayons in her coloring books, etc. So when she wakes up in the morning and stumbles out of her room, she finds them. She's still young enough to believe that it's the toys sneaking out to play while she sleeps, and has a lot of fun discovering them, talking to them and playing with them.

Tonight, as a reward for coming home from school today on 'green' (second grade color code for 'behaved herself for a change'), I set up this:

Spider Twinkie!
I can only imagine her reaction tomorrow morning to one of her plastic spiders sitting with his butt parked in her Easter bunny bucket, about to devour a hapless Twinkie.

Raising An Intelligent Child

...or a smart ass in the making! This gave me a good chuckle--

Yesterday my daughter brought home an unfinished math page that had to be completed and returned. When I saw her answer to the problem at the bottom of the page, I KNEW I couldn't let that little tidbit simply be erased and gone, so I grabbed the camera.

She is in second grade and learning to add and subtract both in word problem form and the 'stacked' version with columns for tens and ones. In the question they are clearly asking how little Johhny arrived at such a screwed-up answer (correct answer should be he put the 7 in the tens column instead of the ones column), but my kid had a more literal and to-the-point answer:

I'm surprised she didn't add, "What a doofus!" after it.

Another Stage Of Life Passes...

...and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Today N. graduated from Kindergarten. I know she didn't, technically, but until someone comes up with a better term, well...'matriculated' is too fancy for 5 year olds. I've been helping out all year by being there every morning to help the Kindergarteners line up for class, after which we all walk waaaaay out to the back field with the rest of the school kids, then on to class when the bell rings. Myself and 3 other moms have been doing this every day all year, rain or shine, sick or well, being there as a comfort and a familiar face for the kids. I'm glad school is over since my leg pain has been viciously growing in leaps and bounds for the last few months and towards the end it seemed a race between the end of the year and the hospital (school won, the hospital thing is in a week and a half), but at the same time I'm sad. The difference in the kids from tiny, clinging little things who barely knew their own names last September to self-confident school kids who can read, write, do addition and subtraction, charge around the school like they own it and follow rules today is nothing short of amazing. I've had a lump in my throat the size of Kansas all day. Today was tougher than N.'s first day of Kinder, although that first day I DID pace the living room, watching the clock and counting the minutes until I could go and get her.

Today the contents of N.'s back pack were: The last few school assignments graded and returned, a pink, yellow and green construction paper flower and white paper dove she made, her final report card (overall pretty good, she needs improvement in penmanship and paying attention, but is two years above the norm in reading ability, no surprises there), three invitations to summertime birthday parties, her Kinder graduation certificate, her little softcover yearbook with many scrawling signatures and a Fourth of July headband they made today.

It was nice that everyone made a point today of lingering to look each other in the eye, smile and say goodbye and have a nice summer. I tried to explain to N. yesterday and today that today was the last day of school, and she wouldn't be seeing many of her friends for a few months, but I'm sure I'll be hearing "Can I go to school?" quite a bit in the next few days. I'm glad she loves school so much. I loved elementary school, too. I can still vividly remember my own days in Kindergarten, and how excited I was to finally be old enough to go after watching my siblings leave for school each morning.

But now I know how my Mom must have felt.